Whew, it’s been a long time since my last blog post. My nerves were getting the best of me as I was approaching the time in pregnancy when life is viable outside the womb. I started thinking too much like I always do—that nothing good ever happens for me and my family. I thought “I’ve come this far and what if. What if?” I focused on listening to pregnancy meditation youtube videos, ASMR videos, and then I finally, finally let myself start doing things to get ready for her arrival. But in that time, I couldn’t write. Not about her. Not about this pregnancy.
I allowed myself to just look at Target’s baby site. Then I let myself add a beautiful muslin swaddling blanket to a wish list. Then I allowed myself to actually make that wish list a registry. Allowing myself to plan ahead made me think that this was really going to happen and I was actually unabashedly excited for the first time during this pregnancy. I still am.
It was very difficult for me to get to this point, given my past, but also because I felt like some people who are close to me were pushing me before I was ready. I wasn’t ready to buy my own daughter so much as a pair of socks, but I was already receiving brand new clothes and toys for her without asking me if that would be okay. It’s a difficult situation for me as a future mom to be in because in no way to I want to temper anyone else’s excitement for my baby—like, how much of an asshole would I be to say “STOP SHOWING YOUR EXCITEMENT OVER MY CHILD SHE’S NOT EVEN HERE!” Seriously. I’m happy that people are excited about her and for her arrival and that they’ve always been optimistic even when I couldn’t be. But man, it was such a struggle to hide tears and keep my feelings at bay when receiving a gift for her thinking “What if…?”
That’s not to say that everyone was like that, nor do I fault people who bought her gifts without checking in first. I had plenty of friends and family who I felt at ease talking about my fears with them and they talked me off the scary ledge. I was even able to genuinely receive Ruby’s gifts from them without feeling terrible because I felt heard and reassured by them.
I totally get why these are called rainbow babies. I could make a terrible, obvious metaphor about storm clouds and rainbows that you guys already know, but it would be too on the nose and I can’t do that without losing self-respect. But I’ll just say that even though I do still think about the baby who I didn’t get to keep, I know that if things hadn’t happened the way that we did that we wouldn’t have Ruby squirming around in there right now. Things didn’t turn out the way I thought they would, but I am happy here.
I’m glad that point is behind me now. I hit my third trimester two days ago and I can’t believe I’m here! Bearded Wonder was able to start feeling her kick starting last week (it would’ve been sooner, but she reserved her kicking for when I was at work or in the morning just after he left for work). I think things became more real for him in that moment too.
We had a fancy 3D ultrasound yesterday that she, of course, wouldn’t move her hands out of her face for (or her feet—she’s apparently very flexible). But we’re going to try again next week. Fingers crossed that we get a GOOD look at her! My spirits are way lifted now and I’ve written down many ideas for my next *several* blog posts, so the hiatus between posts should only be a couple of days at most.
Thank you for reading. Thank you all for messaging me and sharing ideas with me. It means a ton and I totally took your advice for my baby registry!
(Just because I won’t make the metaphor doesn’t mean I can’t include a rainbow-y storm cloud-y picture for you to interpret as such)